5 Unexpected Things I’ve learned Since I Stopped Drinking
I am quickly approaching being alcohol free for 2 years. As an anxious, type A person, who loves control, all I thought about for those first few weeks was what it would be like to be sober for one week, one month, six months, a year, etc. I just wanted to fast forward. There is nothing I HATE more than being a beginner.
What would I feel like? Could I keep this up? How much would I change? Would my friends still accept me? When will I stop thinking about drinking? When will I feel more confident?
I have no idea what the big rush was and I am happy to report that I am now much more focused on the journey than the destination. Everyday I am learning and sometimes I am shocked to find out things that I never connected to my drinking. Those limiting thoughts, jaded ideas about alcohol, and self doubt still creep up. But, now I understand them and I no longer accept them as my truth.
Here are some things that I had no idea would happen.
I’ll start with the bad news-I don’t always feel great. I know, bummer right? I felt pretty bad most days leading up to the point when I finally decided to stop drinking. When I wasn’t actually hungover my anxiety would ensure that there was no feeling good about anything. I was tired all the time and I laid in bed a lot.
All of those things are gone, buuuutttttt, I’m not magically filled with endless energy, enormous amounts of bliss, and in a state of sunshine and rainbows all the time. I still have bad days. I still get tired (but I don’t lay in bed all day). I still have low level anxiety (well, low level for me, probably extremely high for some). And, I still have frustration, anger, sadness, and all the other emotions that come along with being human.
HOWEVER, I don’t wallow in that place like I used to. When my mind and body were overrun with chemicals there was no escape. There was no getting out of those thought loops. There was no perspective. None. I put out a TON of negative energy and therefore attracted a ton of negative energy back.
I have learned that being tired is just that….tired. I have learned that being a little anxious is just that…..a feeling I am having in the moment and not a state of life to live in. I have learned that I am frustrated because things are sometimes frustrating ….not because it’s the end of the world. No emotion is too big now.
I have an I CAN mindset. I lived in a world of I can’t. I am still in Colorado as I write this and I have had numerous flashbacks of my last visit here when I was drinking. I got so drunk the night before our early morning flight and I suffered for the next 3 days. We stopped at Whole Foods to get lunch on our way out of town and I literally couldn’t get out of the car. It wasn’t because of my headache or nausea but I was paralyzed. Was it fear? Was it paranoia? Was it exhaustion? I don’t know but I literally could not make my legs walk. I said my favorite words “I can’t.” I sat in the car while my family went in and had lunch.
I never say those words now. I CAN. If I can stop drinking I can do anything and there is nothing more amazing that having my confidence back. I’m empowered to take massive action over my life.
4. That feeling leaves me with this constant edge of momentum. I am filled with a desire to grow. I can’t wait to read more, do more, experience more, and the list goes on. Having been so incredibly wrong about alcohol, addiction, and my own drinking habits has left me with the desire to find out what else I was wrong about. Seriously, I love finding out that I was wrong about something. It’s so freeing to discover that the thoughts I was holding onto were all in my head.
5. I am way less judgmental. I worry myself sick that people will mis read my posts as this preachy and almighty speech about how you should stop drinking too. NO!!! It’s actually the opposite. It’s my public apology to myself and to the world about all of those limiting beliefs, judgements, and disconnection I had from people in the name of “having fun.” Through this process I have learned to love. I had to start with myself and once I had that covered I now have love for you too. We are all in this together. We are all trying to figure out our place, our purpose.
6. Ok, I know I said 5 but there’s just one more that I think has been the BEST part. I have made new friends. At my age and this stage in life I didn’t really think that i would be making new friends. I have met some of the best people (and strengthened friendships that were once just acquaintances) and I feel so grateful! I once thought that by no longer drinking I would lose all of my friends. It’s actually been quite the opposite.
I tried so hard to control the outcome of this whole thing. I read and re read every single word searching endlessly for someone to tell me exactly what I would feel like on day 17 at 4p, or the first time I was offered a drink, or after a stressful day. I thought if I just predicted enough, learned enough, and thought about it enough I would be able to “arrive.” I can honestly say that I am so happy I am not yet “there.” I mean, these are the days.
It takes a lot of courage to be bad at something new but I promise you it is so so worth it. Where will you begin?