Four years ago I was looking at a blinking google search bar.  I typed in “am I an alcoholic?” and filled out an online questionnaire that confirmed I was not. I then typed how to stop drinking, rehab near me, how to stop drinking if you’re not an alcoholic, famous people who don’t drink, do Mormons drink, how to become a Pentecostal, and finally cool people who don’t drink. 

That’s when everything changed.  A blog popped up sharing story after story of a girl who didn’t drink anymore.  I had to take the words in slowly because my head was still pounding from dehydration and my hangover was not subsiding at all. I wanted to stop.  I didn’t want to drink anymore. I hated feeling sick, anxious, and hungover but I just couldn’t see a world of mine that didn’t involve alcohol.  It was just everywhere, with everyone I knew, and I didn’t want to have to be the only one who didn’t drink. I assumed I was all alone.  Well, me and this girl’s blog I had just found (Holly Whitaker).  We, she and I, were the only two women in the world who hated drinking but loved to drink and wanted to stop but didn’t know how because we weren’t alcoholics and people just don’t stop drinking for no good reason……you know?!?!?

Fast foward to today and I am a living breathing sober person who doesn’t think about drinking anymore. I didn’t think this day would come. I assumed that any person who went from drinking to not drinking would spend the rest of their day’s yearning for more. But I don’t. I don’t want to drink. I don’t wish I had some. I don’t feel lame. I no longer fantasize about having a glass of wine if I ever travel to Italy or what I will toast with at my son’s wedding. Things are over between alcohol and I. Over for good.

I don’t miss the hangovers, the hangxiety, the dread. I don’t miss the obsessing about if I’ve had enough and there’s no guilt of having too much. I no longer believe the lies that alcohol will somehow enhance my experience and make life more fun. Nor, do I believe it will relieve stress and put me at ease. I’ve moved on.

I will never again turn to alcohol for anything. I’ve found a different path, one that doesn’t alter me from who I am but instead grounds me. A path that doesn’t increase my anxiety or cause a dry mouth and a headache. I still can’t believe that I purposely made myself feel sick!!

I still have bad days. Terrible ones, at times but now my coping skills work. All the things that I’ve worked so hard at actually come through for me when I need them the most.

When I first stopped drinking if I were to read a post like this I would think “she doesn’t know what it’s like.” I would be searching, seeking, and hanging on every word trying to find out what the magic was. Where was the how-to list that would 100% guarantee that I could do this? How could I be positive that that sober life was for me? I got irritated with every blogger, author, and sober spokesperson for not sharing something like the “quick and easy guide to getting sober.”

I never found the secret or quick guide. There was no magic solution that was going to make the time go by faster. I just didn’t drink. Hour by hour at first, then day by day, then weeks, months, and now years. In the recovery world, they call this one day at a time. Every single day that I didn’t drink got me closer to today-a day that being a drinking person is no longer who I am.

Four years straight of saying “no thanks,” and “I’m good,” and “I don’t drink actually” at the seven million times alcohol has been suggested or offered to me. I’ve practiced saying it so much that now it’s completely true. I am good! All because I eliminated something toxic from my life. Not just the toxins in the drink but also the toxic thinking that it left me with.

My pros and cons list about quitting literally has no cons. The messages about how much I need booze to survive is all lies. The thinking that I would be bored or boring were false. The worry that I would have no friends was silly (I have more now than ever thanks to a flourishing sober community!). The fear that I couldn’t handle my anxiety was a farce, it was the alcohol making my anxiety so bad. On and on and on.

I’m still pissed off at alcohol. I’m not quite ready to forgive. The lies and seduction that make us believe we need it really bother me. The fact that there isn’t proper labeling and that people are choosing to drink it without knowing that it causes things like cancer, depression, and addiction enrages me. Knowing that it’s responsible for so many deaths and that we allow it to be marketed to children is what gets me going everyday. Even though I never spend one second thinking about drinking I dedicate a massive amount of energy to breaking down the myths of alcohol. In some ways, it’s given me a purpose.

Today, four years have gone by and I haven’t had a single sip of alcohol. What was once such a huge part of my life and identity has now vanished into the distance. It’s like having a tattoo that you got in college but haven’t looked at in 20 years. It’s there but it’s not who you are anymore.

I plan to keep going. I want to share my story over and over again until every single person who needs to hear it does. I want to hold up a sign that says “don’t believe this bullshit” every time I see a “they whine I wine” tea towel (or at least give my readers a pause when they see it). I want to be the foundation for a new kind of support for women and mothers that doesn’t rely on alcohol to connect, cope and feel worthy. I want to remind the world that drinking is not solution. Last, I want my posts to pop up on the desperate person’s screen who knows she can’t do it anymore……….and hope my words help her feel less alone.

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