Who Am I Without Alcohol?
Are you one of those people who is always trying to figure out why you are the way you are?
I am.
But I haven’t always been that way.
When I removed alcohol from my life in 2018, everything changed.
I changed.
Back when I drank, alcohol decided my actions. After the first sip, the rest was uncertain. I never knew what was going to happen when I drank. This presented many negative consequences and put me in more questionable situations than I can count. But I did it anyway. Each time hoping that nothing bad would happen, yet also knowing that I’d “deal with it” if it did. My drinking was always more important than the potential negatives it could bring. For years this is how I went through life.
I was a binge drinker from the start. When I began drinking in high school it was harmless. Yes, I found myself in bad situations back then, but young people make mistakes, right? Making mistakes is the only way to learn. Unfortunately for me, it took another 16 years before I figured it out. Throughout my years as a young adult, I put partying at the top of my to-do list. Because of this, I never learned who I was. I spent no time trying to figure myself out. Heavy drinking caused me to lose the ability to control anything around me. It caused me to lose control of myself. Control is a skill that I am still learning how to master. And maybe I never will. Maybe we’re not supposed to master any life skills. What if we're only supposed to be at least average at what we think is perfection?
Once I accepted that alcohol was to blame for many of my mistakes, I was able to start moving forward. Learning about who I am without alcohol gives me comfort when shameful thoughts about my past come to the surface.
I crave to be in control, and I know that I’m not alone. Many other ex-drinkers I’ve talked to seem to have similar issues with control. It’s funny, isn’t it? For so long we think we're in control of our drinking. Yet we’re ingesting a substance that by nature causes us to lose all control.
Alcohol does a great job of doing what it’s intended to do. We use it to relax, or to let loose after a long day. And for a while, it works. If Alcohol was on staff at a major corporation it’d be a recipient of the employee of the month award.
Alcohol – FIVE STARS! Would drink again!
You get my point.
Now, let’s skip to the good part...
After I went alcohol-free, I became in full control of my thoughts, my feelings, and my body. This was a new feeling for me. I had no idea this part was coming. For me, removing alcohol was like uncovering a new layer of myself that I didn’t know existed.
I know it sounds silly, but at age 32 I started to grow up. I’m so thankful for that. So many people go through their entire lives not knowing who they are. They spend their days doing things they think they need to do. Many people aspire to have someone else’s life. The grass always seems a bit greener on the other side. For so long this was how I moved through life. I was surviving.
Now that I don’t drink, I’m thriving.
I am much more aware of the things happening around me and of myself. This newfound self-awareness is great in most situations. Many times I find myself irritated about the way something happened or didn’t happen. I get upset when things don’t go as I thought they would. But, I am in control. I’m the one calling the shots for my life, and that’s powerful.
Sometimes I wonder, If I’m in full control of myself, then why am I always striving to be in control?
I don’t have an answer for that, but I’m working on it.
And what’s great is that I don’t have to have an answer.
Quitting drinking doesn’t fix everything. But it does allow me to start working on the things that need fixing, and for that – I’m thankful.
Blair is an alcohol-free wife and mom from Minnesota. She works full-time outside of the home, and also does freelance writing. She is a writer for Rochester Mom, a parenting resource in her city. She is also a contributor for The Sober Curator. She's a tall introverted homebody who loves cheese and watching reality television. You can find her creating content on Instagram, on Facebook, and on her website.
Blair Sharp
Writer