Summer is my jam. I’m most at peace when the weather is hot, a swimsuit and coverup is my most worn outfit, and outside is covered in bright green. After many months of the gray, wet, and cold I can’t wait for the hot sun to start shining down. I like the hours of endless light and one of my favorite things is wake up early, step out onto the porch, watch the sunrise, and drink my morning coffee without layers of blankets.

Well, that’s my favorite thing to do now. It wasn’t always this way.

Summer used to signify drinking season. Water, sun, and drinks went hand in hand. Drinks by the pool, drinks on the patio, drinks on the boat, and drinking by the campfire. This is the season where day drinking is totally acceptable and spending the weekends mostly buzzed is considered pure bliss. I loved nothing more than turning on some summer tunes (Kenny Chesney, Jimmy Buffett, Zach Brown Band, and even Van Morrison) and letting the stress and anxiety of all the other seasons slip away. The hot hot heat and humidity only made me more thirsty.

Cold white wine, grapefruity IPA’s, and in my last couple months of drinking-gin, water, and lime made for the perfect refresher in my sweaty Yeti. It’s no surprise that my sobriety came at the end of summer, a long season of drinking.

This is my third summer being alcohol free. As I write this we’ve just been cleared to see people and it’s Memorial Day weekend. It seems like a good time to celebrate, toast, and be filled with joy. But, this summer, I won’t be trying to amp up my joy with alcohol.

Alcohol is a tricky thing. Once you start drinking it your body produces a whole bunch of extra feel good chemicals. Then your brain is like, wow this is so great. And, for a bit, it is great. But everything that happens after that sucks. Once your brain realizes that it was too much of those great chemicals it tries to regulate by taking them all away which causes stress and adrenaline. Your brain gets pissed! It’s like, No Wait, I want more of the good feelings, so it starts to dim all of the other good things making it so that you feel like you need to have alcohol to enjoy things. After a certain point, you kind of do.

That’s why I thought, in order to enjoy summer, I needed a cold drink in my hand. My brain tricked me into believing that things weren’t as fun if I wasn’t drinking. Now that the alcohol is long gone and my brain and body have healed I realize that it was never the drinking that made summer epic. It’s wasn’t listening to Jimmy Buffett with a margarita in hand that made things good, it was listening to Jimmy Buffet. It wasn’t drinking by the pool with friends, it was being with friends at a pool. It wasn’t boating and drinking, it was boating, the water, the views, and the sun. Now that I’m so far removed it’s kind of like saying that I needed to be holding a chicken leg in order to have a good time. Sounds silly right?

Today, I woke up early and had coffee on the porch with my husband. I took my time, listened to the birds, and noticed things. I noticed how much I love iced coffee and how I can drink it slow because I don’t need it to wake me up or stave off a hangover. I went for a run and listened to some epic music. I didn’t have to punish myself for too many drinks or smell beer coming from my pores. I meditated outside while sweating and let the sun beat down on my body. I made cinnamon toast and eggs for breakfast and my hands weren’t shaking with a queasy stomach. I didn’t spend a single second wondering what I said yesterday or about what I need to pack in the cooler for the boat later today. If I don’t pack a single thing I’ll still have a good time.

This summer will be simple. It will be covered in sunscreen, sun, and sweat and not a bit of regret. I feel so happy to not have to ever feel hungover again and to never have to try to regulate what I’m drinking. After so many years of drinking, then thinking about my drinking, there’s nothing more freeing than being rid of the whole thing. I used to feel sorry for people who “couldn’t drink.” In my days of confusion, I thought I was the one living. Now I realize that I couldn’t have been more wrong.