The other day a friend commented that she had been keeping a journal of things she’s learning during the quarantine. It got me thinking about the things that I have learned. In my fantasy quarantine, I thought of myself as a stronger and braver version of my normal self. Someone who perseveres in the toughest of times, someone who holds steady for the family, someone who listens to facts and makes decisions based out of knowledge (not fear), someone who learns to make fire by rubbing sticks together. You know, someone like a Moana or Anna from the Disney movies my daughter watches. A girl who saves the day despite what’s thrown at her. To my surprise, I’ve learned some things about myself that are not at all what I had envisioned.

1. Isolation is exhausting. I don’t think I’ve ever felt such intense exhaustion. As a pretty energetic person who likes to keep busy and move her body, I’m finding it hard to peel myself up out of my seat to do simple things like throw away the apple core I’m holding or go to the bathroom. I’m too tired to get up and wipe down the baseboards and I don’t have it in me to reorganize the pantry. It’s become clear that I feed off of the energy of other humans. I need that energy like I need water and air. I’ve clearly taken for granted the life-giving vibes that are transmitted between myself and other humans in person. I miss that energy.

2. Social situations and circumstances do not cause my anxiety. I’ve had a lot of anxiety during this time. Anxiety about Covid-19, politics, the state of the world, the weird mole on my arm, sinus pressure vs. brain tumor, air quality, my parenting strategies, home-schooling, and having to speak out loud at zoom meetings. I have created heart pounding, palms sweating, breath thinning situations right from the comfort of my own home (while mostly wearing pajamas) without any outside stimulation whatsoever. I guess I’d always assumed that if I stayed home and away from all of the scary things going on in the world that I would never again feel fear. Now I know that’s not at all true.

3. I need structure to thrive. Pre pandemic I was really good at accomplishing goals. I set daily intentions and made lists. I almost always completed tasks and tied up loose ends. Most days I was motivated and driven. Pandemic Samantha does nothing. I’ve set no goals, I’ve made no lists, and it’s taken a lot to just make it through the day. Maybe this has something to do with point number one. But, with a schedule, I always know what’s coming next so I can prepare, plan, and organize. With nothing coming next, I have no idea what to do with myself.

4. I am easily persuaded by fear. I’ve done a lot of emotional work to overcome a fear mindset. I used to run solely on the fumes of fear allowing it to guide my every decision and impulsive move. Since sobriety, I’ve done the work to combat those thoughts so that they don’t drive my decision making, judgments, thoughts, and feelings. But, pandemic fear is something that I hadn’t worked on and wasn’t prepared for. I slipped right back into crisis mode by thinking terrible thoughts, imagining worst-case scenarios, and preparing eulogies for everyone I know. It’s obvious, I still have work to do.

5. Sobriety is my greatest coping skill. I’m approaching 3 years of life without alcohol and I am still amazed at the gifts that it gives me. With everything going on, I’m so happy that I don’t have to bear the burden of pouring stress and anxiety into the mix it in the name of “happy hour.” Alcohol provided very short term relief with long term side effects that lingered and lurked making my life more difficult than it needed to be. Sobriety continues to bring me opportunities, joy, and it breathes so much air into my life. It’s not getting old, not even in quarantine.

I could go on and on with this list. I’m learning new things every day. I shouldn’t feel surprised to know that what I thought things would be like and what things are actually like are very different. This is the story of my entire life. So, I choose to embrace Quarantine Samantha and accept who I am wholeheartedly, even though I am a little disappointed that I couldn’t save the island.

Interested in joining my book club? We are reading We Are The Luckiest by Laura McKowen and having virtual meetings on Wednesdays at 8 pm. Join here (ladies only).