What’s All This Talk About Vulnerability?

About a week ago I hosted a wellness retreat. One might be wondering what I was doing hosting a wellness retreat when I may have once been the person who encouraged you to drink, smoke, and go out dancing into the wee morning hours. Or, maybe someone is thinking, isn’t Samantha the most anxious person I know?  What could she possibly know about wellness?

I get it.  Those thoughts are valid and I too wondered the same thing.  What could I possibly teach people about wellness? 

I have spent most of my life having a lot of nervous energy.  Relaxing, settling in, being in the moment, sitting still, and even resting have been complicated.  I’ve always preferred to grasp for something, move around, and avoid having to ever actually feel.  I feared that if I settled down or took it in that my anxiety would grow. I stayed distracted with busyness and grit.

That’s why drinking was such a great cure for me.  It appeared to be sitting, settling down, connecting, and resting but it was really just another way for me to multitask.  I was drinking, taking the edge off, and pleasing others with my “rest.”  In my mind, I was just checking off the boxes.

I was looking for  a home outside myself because the one on the inside was “a little much.”  I believed that if I looked inward I would be opening it up, exposing it, and that anxiety would pour out of me for the rest of my life.  I thought that distraction was the cure.  I thought grasping for something on the outside was the intervention.  A beer, a checklist, another cooked dinner, a clean floor, a little shopping spree, and anything else I could get my hands on was my way of warding off the uprising of vulnerability.

But I had it all wrong.  I’ve learned that being vulnerable is the only way to the cure.  It’s the only way for those feelings to actually move out of me.  It’s the only way that I can heal.  The hard truth is that you have to feel your feelings.

So I worked on that. I’ve worked on being open to feeling my anxiety.  I’ve worked on being more present. I’ve worked on finding a home on the inside and learning that it’s safe there.  And I’ve worked on stepping into my truth with nervous energy and all.

I am not an expert in being well but I am an expert in myself.  And that is what I shared at the wellness retreat.  I shared all of my flaws.  I shared some of the things I like to do to cope with my anxiety.  I shared my love for giving this life my best shot.  I shared my failures.  

With constant access to a google search bar we can easily find a healthy recipe, a workout for better biceps, 5 tips on how to have a healthier marriage, and ideas on how to raise happy kids.  But what we don’t see on the other side of that screen is a real human who has had his/her share of ups and downs.  Someone who has learned these skills through trial and error and who has probably failed more times than succeeded.  

So, while I don’t have any breaking science on how to be well or a list of letters at the end of my name to qualify me for my event, I did have my story.  A story that maybe sounds a little like your story. A story that some people may relate to.  A story about a nervous girl who threw herself a wellness retreat because she believed that getting up in front of people and being vulnerable might lead some kind of change!  (A story of someone who has taken in a lot of Bréne Brown.)

I share this with you just in case you might want to have a wellness retreat of your own. Not an actual wellness retreat, but maybe you have something that you want to do but you’re not quite feeling qualified.  You’re waiting until you’re ready.  You are waiting until the timing is right or for things to be perfect. You’re waiting for the next big thing.

Don’t wait. Life is messy and there is no one on Earth who has it all figured out.  The more you lean into yourself, shut out the noise, and listen to your instincts the more confident you will feel to do your thing as the expert on you!  And when you show up as yourself there is no getting it wrong.

As always, thank you so very much for reading. Want to get more in depth with these posts for an ongoing conversation? If so, join my private facebook group here. And, if you would like to have my exclusive gift of resources and information, get that right here.