I just had the luxury of reading Laura McKowen’s book We Are The Luckiest.  It’s not out yet but will be in January and it was one of those, stop what you are doing for 12 straight hours and read, kind of books.  One of her chapter’s is entitled The Wrong Damn Question.

When my relationship with alcohol was going sideways I asked all the wrong questions.  I googled “Am I an Alcoholic?” enough times that, even today, if I type the letter “A” into the search bar this sentence still comes up.  As I read through the list of criteria-have you lost your job, have you stolen anything, has anyone in your family suggested that you stop drinking, etc. etc. etc I felt simultaneous relief and disappointment that I just didn’t fit the criteria.

I was asking the wrong question.  Don’t you think if I googled “Am I an alcoholic” that it was safe to say that my relationship with alcohol was strained?  Don’t you think that if I was exploring my issue enough to discover whether or not I met the criteria of a significant diagnosis such as “alcoholic” that it should have been a red flag that I should stop drinking?  Do other people, who don’t have issues with drinking, sit around googling whether or not they have a problem with drinking?  Right.  But, I was trying to avoid the truth. Since I didn’t meet the criteria (on that random website), I assumed I was still good to continue drinking.

Labels can be problematic and even tricky at times. They’re meant to serve as guidance but too many times we use them all wrong. They become a crutch like “I can’t because I’m (fill in the blank).” Or, a justification “It’s not like I’m an alcoholic so……” We even use them to separate into groups of us vs. them.

If you’re stuck right now because you either have a label or you haven’t yet found your label maybe it’s time to consider ditching that label altogether. What about being curious and asking honest questions that are VERY specific to you?

Here’s a list of helpful questions that you might ask yourself if you are engaging in a behavior that sometimes gives you trouble (lying, cheating, stealing, scrolling, judging, complaining, procrastinating, hoarding, etc)

Does my behavior affect how I feel about myself in a negative way?

Do I sometimes regret my behavior?

Do I sometimes try not to think about my behavior because when I do think about it I feel stressed?

Do I justify my behavior by telling myself and others all the good things/deeds I did to deserve this behavior?

Do I need to do this behavior to feel worthy?

Does this behavior interfere with me interacting with my family?

Does this behavior interfere with goals, dreams, desires?

Does the thought of not doing this behavior both relieve me and terrify me?

Does this behavior bring short term excitement but long term angst (depression, anxiety, sadness, frustration)?

Does my behavior alleviate having to think or feel the negative thoughts that I have all of the time for a short time?

Does my behavior allow me to displace the real problem (example-I only judged her because she was so mean to me)?

Does my behavior make me feel guilty?

Does my behavior make me feel isolated?  No one would understand? 

Does my behavior support the dreams and wishes I have for myself?

Does my behavior bring me closer to peace and joy?

Does my behavior help me feel connected?

Does my behavior make me feel guilty?

Does my behavior make me feel isolated?  No one would understand?

These are the questions I should have been asking.  These are the questions that would have given me an obvious yes or no.  These are the questions that would have led me to change my mind about my situation.  They’re not easy to answer, and it’s hard to be honest, but these questions would have brought me the truth.

You, my friend, have the opportunity to change anything that you want at any moment.  You are worthy of giving this life your best shot and feeling good while doing it. 

As we roll into the last month of the year I would suggest going through these questions (or even coming up with some of your own) and getting very honest.  It won’t be easy at first but it’s ok to be truthful. It’s ok to let go of the avoidance, the justification, the lies, the stress of holding onto this. It’s ok to do the next right thing and step closer and closer toward who you were meant to be.

As always, thank you so very much for reading. Want to get more in depth with these posts for an ongoing conversation? If so, join my private facebook group here. And, if you’re looking for ideas to have an alcohol free weekend, get that right here.