This morning I was in the kitchen and my daughter asked for more syrup on her waffle. It’s an ongoing battle.  I put syrup on the waffles and the kids cry and tell me it’s not enough.  It’s never enough.  But this morning it was hard. Harder than usual. I felt an immediate rush of rage that she was badgering me about this again.  I hadn’t yet had breakfast and the caffeine edge from my coffee had already set in.  I walked out of the room.

A few minutes later she came to find me and told me that she had an accident in the kitchen.  I walked in to find her entire waffle, all of her apples, her whole plate, the kitchen counter, and the floor covered in syrup.  She had decided to get her own. But, when she poured out of the nearly full Costco size maple syrup jug it was a disaster.

I started crying.  It’s not about the syrup. Since the temperature drop last week I’ve felt off.  A dark cloud has been hanging over my head.  My loop thinking is back with a vengeance.  My exhaustion has left me in bed for 12 hours at a time.  My mood is low.  And my stomach feels queasy.

Last fall and winter months I “got sick” a few times with what I thought was the stomach bug.  I went to the doctor on several occasions and even to the ER once (after days of a “stomach virus” that resulted in me unable to get out of bed).  With each test, scan, scope, and questionnaire the results came back normal.  Nothing was wrong with me.

As spring and summer rolled in my symptoms got better.  I got my energy back, my stomach felt fine, my mood was good, and my anxiety was low.  I assumed that whatever it was subsided and I was cured of the germs the kids brought home.

But here I am again back to the same symptoms.  A quick google search tells me it’s either cancer (why is it always cancer?!?!?) or seasonal depression.  Given my history with anxiety and mental health, I think it’s likely seasonal depression.  I’ve made an appointment to see my holistic practitioner so I can add some new herbs to my already lofty health care regime.

My first instinct is “this sucks.”  We are embarking on four months of cold and dark and I dread feeling low all winter long again.  It sucks that during this time if I don’t get enough sleep, don’t spend 30 minutes a day exercising, don’t take all of my 12 supplements, don’t use my daily oils, eat one too many donuts, and drink an extra cup of coffee that my mental health will be derailed for weeks.  

It sucks that even when I do take “perfect” care of myself that it’s just to feel “meh.”  It won’t result in the feeling of euphoria that one might expect from such a structured self care routine.  It sucks that I can’t be “normal."

But, here’s the thing, I am not anxiety and depression.  I don’t live there anymore.  I am not mentally ill, poor little, anxious Samantha.  Instead, I am Samantha, who sometimes has symptoms that need care and attention.  

I’m no longer crying out why me, this is horrible, while I try resist what is happening.  Instead, I call it out for what it is (symptoms of seasonal depression and anxiety) and tell those loop thoughts to shut the fu*k up.  I won’t wallow, google search stomach illnesses, or say out loud “I think something’s wrong with me.” I understand that it’s a small glitch and it will pass like it has time and time again.

If you have a form of mental illness this is true for you too.  You are not your disease.  You are not weak, flawed, a failure, or a bother.  You are exactly how you should be with a series of symptoms that are really shitty.  But, they can and will resolve.  These imbalances, that are chemically driven, are not because of mistakes that you made, situations you put yourself in, or life choices. You don’t have to listen to the lies of your ego is telling you.

Sure, there are things we can do to lighten the weight (all of which feel like the opposite of what we want to do).  Research shows that symptoms can improve if you spend time outside, eat a healthy diet, lay off the chemical drinks (including caffeine, alcohol, and sugar), see a doctor, go to a therapist, and talk to a friend.  And even though it feels like my body is weighted down with shackles and chains I must not forget that there are things I can do.

I know so many people who are suffering behind the closed doors of their decorated porches, perfectly curated outfits, and motivational quotes on Instagram (guilty).  Maybe we feel the need to hide, justify, or apologize?  Don’t. Not this time. 

It’s ok to tell people that you are feeling low even though it’s the holiday season. It’s ok to not go to the party or the work event even though you have no excuse. It’s ok if you need to come home and crawl into bed because you gave the day everything you had and you have nothing left. It’s ok if you’re not feeling happy when there is no reason to be sad. It’s ok to be just as you are, in whatever state that is, one minute to the next. In fact, it’s empowering.

In this culture we spend a lot of time and money talking about being happy. It’s strange that nearly 40 million Americans report having anxiety (and millions more go unreported) yet it seems like everyone is always doing great.  We can normalize mental health issues as part of being human.  We can share our stories so that no one feels isolated. We can break the stigma that mental illness only affects some people.

What’s your experience?  Can you share too?

As always, thank you so very much for reading. Want to get more in depth with these posts for an ongoing conversation? If so, join my private facebook group here. And, if you’re looking for ideas to have an alcohol free weekend, get that right here.